My intuition is wildly accurate…I just had this feeling when I married my husband that I was going to struggle to have children. I even remember commenting this to my husband and sister in law on the day we got married. …I wasn’t wrong.
I’m currently pregnant for the fourth time but have only birthed one child.
My Pregnancy Story
I got pregnant for the first time in August of 2020. This happened a lot easier and quicker than I expected. I was ecstatic! Maybe my fears about pregnancy were wrong?! I immediately purchased a fancy baby monitor (it was on sale – I couldn’t pass that up) and began to plan how we were going to inform friends and family. Several weeks later, I began to spot blood. The night before my very first ultrasound actually, I miscarried.
Before then, I hadn’t known how common miscarriages are. Between 10-20% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage. I was told by my provider that typically the second pregnancy is successful so I should not allow myself to get discouraged – try again!
My husband and I resumed trying and were able to conceive again in March of 2021. I was, again, so happy… but this time my happiness was accompanied by another emotion (fear). I reminded myself what my provider had told me after my first miscarriage, that most of the time the second pregnancy after a miscarriage is successful, and tried to push those fears aside.
This time I made it to the first ultrasound without any (known) complications. I was hopeful and ready to see my baby! …I was informed the heartbeat was not where it was supposed to be at for its gestational age. I was told, in so many words, to be optimistic but to also prepare for the worst. I scheduled the follow up ultrasound for two weeks later. During those two weeks, I did not experience ANY signs that indicated my baby had passed. No spotting, no cramps, nothing. I was convinced my baby was going to make it. But the follow up ultrasound showed no remaining heartbeat.
At the time I divorced my first husband at age 31, I had made my peace with the fact that I might never get to have children of my own. When I married my current husband, I began to allow myself to hope again. At the time of my second miscarriage I was 36 years old. Clearly there was something wrong and, if I wanted to have a baby, I did not have time to waste.
We began to see a fertility specialist and thankfully it was an easy enough fix. They found a polyp in my uterus that they believed might have caused my first two miscarriages. This was removed and we began to try and get pregnant again. It took what seemed like forever but we finally conceived our son in March 2022.
I’d say my hope to fear ratio for that pregnancy was 35:65. Maybe 50:50 on a good day. I had such ambivalence before every doctor’s appointment. I was excited to see my son or hear his heartbeat but at the same time I was terrified we’d get bad news. I’m normally pretty independent but made my husband come with me to a lot of the appointments, just in case.
I waited until after the first trimester to tell anyone about our baby, outside of a select few very close family members. And even after the first trimester had ended, I felt weird about making the announcement. I kept thinking about having to let everyone know, if something went wrong, and feeling like it might just be easier to not announce it. I dragged my feet on decorating the nursery and to this day it is still pretty barebones. Again, I had visions of deconstructing his nursery if I lost him. Delaying doing things to prepare for this baby turned into almost a form of superstition. Like, if I don’t prepare, then he’ll make it. I think this came from having the proverbial rug pulled out from under me during my lifetime so many times that it seemed more probable to receive things I hadn’t prepared for, if that makes sense.
I tried like hell to avoid every little thing that could make me anxious. This was an attempt to cope with my anxiety but was not healthy. I engaged in a lot of escape or distraction coping. I stress ate (for two), rotted in front of the tv for hours every evening, and doom scrolled tiktok. I also threw a lot of my energy into work, as I have always done when I’m struggling, not really stopping to take adequate breaks throughout my day to ground myself and feel connected to my baby.
Upon reflection, all of this escape coping was an attempt to escape being “in my body” and acknowledging this pregnancy. I wasn’t grounded. I often dissociated. And I did not feel connected to my baby. You see, the escape coping helped to occupy my mind and dull my senses to the point I didn’t have to think about the “what ifs” of my pregnancy. For example, if I busied myself with work then I didn’t have to be so focused on counting kicks and freak out when the baby wasn’t moving as much as I thought it should be. This was all subconscious of course, not something I intentionally decided to do. In reality, this escape coping only made my anxiety worse, especially at my doctor’s appointments where I’d be asked about feeling fetal movement.
Thankfully I welcomed my son into the world in November 2022. My struggle with my fear continued, but that’s for another blog post about my postpartum experience I may choose to write one day.
Flash Forward to Today
Today I am 22 weeks pregnant with a baby girl. I still have a lot of fear but continue to challenge my thinking to keep it in check. I believe every challenge in life is a lesson and I think this pregnancy might be a lesson in learning to believe in miracles and trusting God’s plan.
You see, this current pregnancy did not get off to the best start, which does not help matters. Once again, at the first ultrasound, the heartbeat was a little slower than it was supposed to be for the gestational age. After hearing this, I left my doctor’s office and proceeded to go into a two week grief spiral until the next ultrasound. I spent a lot of time in bed, crying and grieving the loss of my baby that hadn’t even passed. I was convinced when I attended the second ultrasound that there would not be any heartbeat, just as with my second pregnancy. To my surprise, when we attended the next ultrasound, not only was there a heartbeat… but everything seemed to be fine.
Everything has continued to be fine since that scary first ultrasound but I find myself having to be very mindful of the way I cope with my pregnancy anxiety. I want to experience this pregnancy differently than the others. And while I don’t believe it is possible for me to have the same experience as someone who has not suffered pregnancy loss, I do believe it is possible for me to feel more joy and feel more connected to this baby.
I feel I’ve already made great strides. I’ve already named her and announced the name to some family. We’ve hung the painting we created during her gender reveal in the nursery. And we’ve gone through her older sister’s old baby clothes to decide what to keep for her and what to donate. I’ve also found myself engaging in more planning talk about the future (with her in it).
How I’m Challenging Myself to Have a Better Pregnancy Experience
One thing that I really want to challenge myself to do during this pregnancy is to avoid engaging in the escape coping I had turned to during my last pregnancy. I want to bond with my baby prior to her arrival by talking and singing to her. I want to take breaks throughout my day so I feel grounded and connected to my body and I can pick up on those little movements she makes, which I’ve already started to feel (but not as much as I’d like).
In December, on Instagram, I engaged in a 25 day challenge where I used mindfulness to celebrate the holiday season, to see how it impacted my mental health and experiences during the holidays. I called it “25 Days of Enhancing My Holidays.” I loved this challenge, saw a ton of benefit from it, and have decided to do more. Therefore, I’m dedicating January to “31 Days of Connecting with My Body and My Baby.”
In the month of January, I’m going to challenge myself to spend intentional time each day, using meditation to ground myself in my body and connect with my baby, with the hopes that I can have a more positive pregnancy experience this time around. I’ll post daily updates for accountability on Instagram, as well as weekly recaps. If you’d like to follow along, you can find my page by clicking on the icon below:
I plan on posting more content on my blog about this topic as well, so sign up to receive all future blog posts here:
Finally, in addition to Instagram, you can find me on Pinterest where I post a lot of content related to healthy coping and relationship skills that positively impact motherhood and relationships:
I appreciate you taking the time to read this post. If you’ve had a similar experience, I’d love to connect. I welcome you to send me an email through my contact page, comment below, or reach out on social media.