There’s a million ways to celebrate the Holidays and, I don’t know about you, but sometimes I get through the Holidays and think, “Yeah…I celebrated…but not in the way I really wanted to.” Or, “I wish I would have spent more time doing this thing or that thing, because it would have made them more enjoyable.”
And let’s be honest, when we spend our Holidays doing things that we don’t necessarily want to do but feel we have to, it makes them feel like work.
Now, there is often a balance that needs to be struck between the things we “have” to do and the things we want to do, and if we find that balance the season feels more magical and less stressful. But that balance is not always easy to find, for multiple reasons.
- Outside pressure from family or friends to engage in activities they want us to
- Internal pressure we place on ourselves to keep up with the same pace we have on previous years (especially after our circumstances have changed)
- An inability to adjust or scale back when we find ourselves having bitten off a little too much or overcommitted ourselves
So what’s the answer to finding that difficult balance? BOUNDARIES! (They’re not just for interpersonal relationships).
In this post I’ll aim to speak to what boundaries are and how to implement them. Let’s dive in!
First, what are Boundaries???
Boundaries are limits you identify for yourself and apply through action or communication. This doesn’t mean you get everything you want when you want it, it means there are small things within your control that you can do to protect your time and energy.
Boundaries are NOT rules that you impose on others and expect them to follow. For example, a healthy boundary might be “I will not attend more than 3 holiday parties a season,” not “You will not pressure me to attend another holiday party once I’ve reached my limit.”
Now let’s get into how to establish boundaries…
Here are 6 steps to establishing healthy boundaries for the Holidays:
First: Identify your values
Knowing what you value in life can help you identify how to better spend your time. Yes, there are always things we have to do whether we want to or not, but we should strive to spend as much of our time doing things that feel really important to us. This helps with our overall life satisfaction, and this applies to holiday celebrations as well. For example, I really value quality time with my husband and kids but I don’t value spending time at social gatherings where I often feel over-stimulated and overwhelmed. Therefore, if I spend my holiday season going to many holiday gatherings, I won’t enjoy it. It’s better for me to plan things at home with my family and keep the parties to a minimum.
There are literally hundreds of values a person can have. If you haven’t spent time to reflect upon and identify yours, I have an exercise you can complete to help you do this work to identify your values. Get it here:
Second: Make a list of all of the Christmas activities, experiences and gatherings you either want to, have to, or should do this year. Whether you feel they align with your values or not, put them on this list.
Third: Go through your list and note which activities typically help you to feel energized and which make you feel drained. Just write an “E” and “D” next to each item.
Note that the activities that align with your values should be ones that help you to feel energized, while activities that don’t align with your values will take away your energy. If you’ve heard the “energy givers versus energy takers” analogy, that fits here.
Fourth: For all of your “D” activities, consider whether they are “Hard No’s” or “Soft No’s.” Hard No’s are activities you absolutely are not willing to do and Soft No’s are negotiable. Choose two different colored highlighters to indicate whether something is a Hard No or Soft No.
If you’re struggling to cut an activity because others in your family, such as your kids or spouse, feel passionate about doing them, consider pairing the activity with another, energy giving, activity to make it more enjoyable for you. For example, we’ll go caroling around the neighborhood…in the cold…(yuck!) but we’re stopping at Starbucks to get some hot coffee beforehand and afterwards we get to snuggle up under some cozy blankets and watch a movie we all love when we get home.
Fifth, commit to your list.
This is the most difficult step but hopefully you have taken the time to build a realistic list, especially for your “Hard No’s.”
If you find yourself being tempted to cave and engage in one of your “Hard No” activities, ask yourself:
- “Which value does this activity align with?” (trick question – it won’t align with your values…this is just a reminder of that fact).
- “How am I going to feel, energetically, emotionally, etc., before, during, and after this activity?”
- “Who would I be doing this activity for and is it truly worth my energy?”
Finally, if you find yourself caving, not all is lost and your holidays won’t be ruined. Just make sure you’re building in some extra energy giving activities (Holiday self-care if you will) to help offset the cost of breaking your boundary.
If you feel you need inspiration to help you build your list of energy giving Holiday activities, I posted a blog post several days ago called “7 Simple Ways I Create Holiday Magic” that you can check out.
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