The last 10 years of my life have been a lesson on how important it is to remain connected to myself in order to remain connected to the people I love. And I feel my two most recent careers have given me a very unique perspective on this.
As a Probation and Parole Agent, I noticed how a lack of healthy relationships (whether that be with friends, family, partners, or professionals) contributed to instability in the lives of my clients, including loss of housing, job loss, and committing additional crimes.
As a Phone Counselor for a Suicide Prevention Hotline, I noticed how, oftentimes, a lack of healthy relationships contributed to Caller’s mental states, causing them to feel hopeless and struggling to identify reasons to live.
The people who I worked with while in these positions shared a common theme: a general lack of healthy coping skills, and my focus was helping them to develop these skills.
The way we cope with stress, trauma, life’s everyday challenges, etc., matters. There is a ripple effect that our ability to respond in a healthy way to these stressors has. When we cope in a healthy way, we remain connected to ourselves, process our emotions, and are able to continue moving forward in life. This helps us to maintain our connections with others. When we don’t cope in a healthy way, we disconnect in an attempt to escape, are unable to work through challenges, and are unable to connect with others in a meaningful way.
To further illustrate this, I’ll use my first marriage. I can admit that, when I look back on my first marriage, when we started to have problems, a lack of healthy coping skills caused me to disconnect and disengage, keeping me frozen and unable to work through challenges. I shut down and withdrew further and further away, in an attempt to protect myself and escape my uncomfortable feelings. This was counterintuitive and ultimately contributed to the demise of that relationship.
In this post, I’ll share some signs you might be struggling to connect with yourself, signs you might be struggling to connect with others, and steps you can take to transform your ability to connect with yourself and others to improve your relationships.
Without further ado…
Here are some signs that you may be struggling to connect with yourself:
- You engage in numbing or escape behavior regularly to cope with stress or avoid feeling your feelings.
This can include activities such as doom scrolling social media, “retail therapy” (shopping), emotionally eating, binge watching or overconsumption of tv or movies, or drug/alcohol use. Frequent numbing or escape behavior often leads to a dissociation or disconnect from ourselves, as it allows us to escape the present moment where we’re feeling discomfort. It’s important to allow ourselves to feel our feelings in order to resolve them. Emotions, like energy, don’t just go away. They simply set up camp elsewhere in our body in the form of physical symptoms (tense muscles, stomach ache, or digestive issues).
If you’d like some ideas for healthy coping strategies, I have put together a free resource and you can get it here:
- You struggle to identify the physical sensations that accompany your emotions, and might not even be able to pick up on and identify your own emotions easily.
Your emotions actually start as physical sensations in the body before your brain even recognizes them as emotions. If you’re connected to yourself (aka grounded) you have an easier time recognizing these physical sensations. This helps you to more quickly identify and effectively manage the emotion.
- You often jump from task to task without taking adequate breaks or pauses. This leads to ignoring or not even noticing things like hunger cues, thirst or even having to use the bathroom. Ignoring our needs dulls our bodily intuition. For example, if you’re not taking an adequate break to eat, you may find yourself quickly consuming your food. This does not give you the opportunity to tap into your body’s intuition, letting you know when you’re getting full. As a result, you may over or undereat. (Breaks and pauses are good! They help us to slow down, remain grounded, and move throughout our day more intentionally).
- You are constantly either listening to or watching something. It may start off as entertainment but eventually silence becomes uncomfortable and you feel the need to have something playing in the background at all times. This can be problematic because your brain becomes cluttered when it is constantly bombarded by noise. This clutter distracts us from opportunities to connect with and ground ourselves. Eventually, this becomes mentally exhausting, which we can begin to feel physically as well.
- You regularly find yourself physically present in a room but mentally elsewhere (aka Dissociation).
This can happen when you’re by yourself or with others. You may find yourself feeling unreal or dreamlike, foggy or static. It might feel as though you’re watching yourself from the outside or feeling like you’re on autopilot. Some examples include zoning out while you daydream or forgetting the last few miles you drove.
As stated above, a lack of ability to connect with ourselves has a ripple effect on our ability to connect with others. If this persists overtime, it impacts intimacy and erodes our important relationships.
Here are some common signs you may be having trouble connecting with others:
1. You have difficulty expressing your emotions
This includes struggling to share your feelings or open up about personal experiences. Also, feeling uncomfortable with vulnerability in conversations. It is important to note that in order to express our emotions in a way that is well received and understood by our loved ones, we have to be intune with what exactly it is we are feeling and why, which is why our own connectedness has to come first.
2. You avoid deep conversations
This includes keeping interactions surface-level and avoiding meaningful discussions, as well as changing topics or withdrawing when emotions arise. An inability to understand and express your own emotions can contribute to avoidance of deep conversations.
3. You feel disconnected despite physical presence
This includes spending time with loved ones but feeling emotionally distant and experiencing a lack of fulfillment after interactions. Being able to talk about meaningful things, rather than sticking to surface-level topics, is what helps to connect or bond us.
4. You fear rejection or judgment
This includes worrying excessively about how others perceive you, which may lead to self-censorship. Also, avoidance of sharing parts of yourself to protect from criticism or rejection. This can signal a difficulty being able to express your emotions and be vulnerable in conversations. Understanding of oneself leads to self-acceptance and self-expression.
5. You have difficulty understanding others’ emotions
This includes struggling to empathize or misreading the emotional needs of loved ones. Also, feeling unsure about how to respond when others are upset or vulnerable. Empathy is a very powerful tool in creating or maintaining a connection with others. Empathy helps people feel understood and valued. However, being able to look at and understand other people’s perspectives is not a natural skill that everyone possesses. Some do have to work to develop this skill, and this was a skill I often had to work to help my clients develop while I was an Agent.
6. You have recurring conflicts or miscommunications
This includes frequent arguments stemming from misunderstandings or unmet expectations, or feeling like you’re “not on the same page” with loved ones. Empathy and active listening are crucial skills to master if you struggle with this. Also, it is important to understand that when we try to have an important conversation with someone when we’re disconnected or not grounded in ourselves, utilizing skills like empathy and active listening is more difficult, thus increasing the likelihood of miscommunications. This is why it is ideal to wait to have important conversations until both parties are in a good head space.
7. You feel overwhelmed by closeness
This can look like wanting space or feeling smothered when relationships become too emotionally intense. Also, avoiding intimacy or emotional closeness altogether. This can stem from not understanding our own limiting beliefs, thoughts and feelings we have about relationships.
8. You overemphasize Independence
This includes valuing self-sufficiency to the point where asking for help or relying on others feels unnatural or weak. Also, hesitating to share responsibilities or seek comfort from loved ones. Similar to feeling overwhelmed by closeness, this can also stem from not understanding our own limiting beliefs, thoughts and feelings we have about relationships.
9. You have past traumas or negative experiences
This looks like unresolved pain from previous relationships affecting your ability to trust or connect. Also, fear of repeating past patterns leading to emotional guardedness. This signals that escape or avoidance was used as a way to cope with the negative emotions surrounding previous relationships, instead of leaning into healing practices which allow us to once again trust ourselves if the next relationship fails.
10. You struggle to prioritize time for loved ones
This includes consistently feeling too busy or distracted to nurture relationships or letting other commitments or interests take precedence over meaningful connections. Connecting with yourself to understand your feelings and what you are trying to avoid by keeping your relationships distant like this would be beneficial.
If one or more of the items on either of these lists resonates with you, know that you CAN improve your ability to connect with yourself and others.
How to transform your ability to connect with yourself and others to improve your relationships
I personally have used several tools to improve my ability to connect with myself, build healthier coping skills, and improve my ability to connect with others:
- Deep Breathing Exercises
Deep breathing is a powerful (and quick) technique which helps to ground yourself in the present and reset your nervous system. I start my day by doing box breathing for 5 minutes to exercise my vagal nerve, oxygenate my body, wake up, and start my day off “right.”
- Meditation
Meditation has been wonderful for my anxiety over the years because it helps me to clear the clutter of my mind, connect with myself and my intuition, and proceed with my day feeling light, clear, and peaceful.
- Journaling
I start every day by journaling a very specific set of journal prompts which help me to set intentions, practice gratitude, and inspire me to follow through with the intentions I have set for my day. I’ve included these journal prompts in my book which I’ve linked below. In addition, journaling has been a wonderful outlet for the times when I have bigger emotions and need to process it. My friends and family are probably all very thankful that I have taken up journaling, as I am able to process my emotions by myself versus having to “dump” on them.
- Self-Care
About two years ago I became a self-care guru and implemented a self-care practice. This helps to keep my stress levels manageable so that I can show up better in my relationships and personal commitments.
- Understanding Your Values
Taking the time to reflect on what my top values are in life helps me to focus and manage my time appropriately, spending a majority of my time on things that align with my values. This helps me to feel as though I’m living my dreams, positively impacts my stress levels, and increases my life satisfaction.
- Shadow Work
If you’ve never heard of shadow work, it sounds dark and mysterious but it is really just an introspective process meant to increase self-awareness, facilitate self-acceptance, and address limiting beliefs that hold you back from success, to achieve personal growth and wholeness. Doing this work is hard because it forces you to identify parts of yourself that you might not feel proud of, and then sit in some pretty heavy emotions to make peace with those parts, but when done correctly, you’ll come away feeling more connected and at peace with yourself and others.
If you’re interested in learning more about shadow work, check out my recent blog post: How Shadow Work Helped Me to Feel More Connected to Myself and Improve My Relationships
Now, if you’re looking for guidance on how to implement one or all of the above practices, I have several resources for you to consider.
Resource #1
First, my eBook “Journey Within: A Guide to Strengthening the Connection With Yourself and Others is 129 pages of educational information and exercises to help you implement all 6 practices I spoke about above that help you to transform your ability to connect with yourselves and others to improve your relationships.
Resource #2
Second, my program “Relationship Renovation” is a 90 day 1:1 coaching program where I personally help you implement all 6 practices, as well as develop other important relationship skills which will help you to better communicate, understand and connect with your partner, kids, or other important relationships.
If you’re interested in learning more about this program, schedule a 1:1 Discovery call with me using the button below:
Please note that I aim to work closely with my clients and therefore spots are limited.
Resource #3
Third, I am active on the following socials and you can find me and the educational content I post there. Follow me by clicking on the icons below:
Resource #4
Finally, don’t forget to sign up to receive future blog posts about this topic here:
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