The art of healthy communication…it’s probably the most difficult relationship skill to master. That’s because there is a lot more that goes into a conversation than just the words you say. Tone, body language, ability to listen and understand the other party’s perspective, all play an important part and determine how well the conversation lands. And sometimes, you can do everything right…but your partner is the one lacking crucial conversational skills…so you still feel as though you’re falling short.
In this post I lay out a roadmap to teach you how to communicate effectively with your partner. Now, if I were to go into depth about each component of healthy communication, this would be an insanely long post. For now, I will provide a more high-level overview of each of the skills, but stay tuned for future posts that go more in depth for each component! Don’t forget to sign up for the newsletter to receive these as they are posted!
Table of Contents (#Section-One)
- Benefits of Healthy Communication in a Relationship
- Guidelines for Having a Difficult Conversation
- Take Time to Prepare
- Ask for Permission
- Don’t Accuse
- Lead with Curiosity
- Practice Active Listening
- Use Validation
- Ask Open-Ended Questions
- Ask Before Giving Advice
- Remain Calm
- Tips for Practicing These Guidelines
- Resources
Benefits of Healthy Communication in a Relationship
Let’s start off by talking about why you should want to work to develop and hone these skills.
In a previous professional role I held, I taught clients effective communication skills (among other cognitive and coping skills) and I saw first hand the challenges we all face when trying to communicate effectively. It even helped me to open my eyes to some areas where I was falling short. But I also saw how being able to communicate more effectively helped to improve relationships, lower stress levels, and increase self-efficacy, which tells me this is an important topic to cover in the Blog.
Communication is noted by many to be the number one most important relationship skill. Now, it’s hard to communicate effectively with anyone but I personally believe it is even more difficult to communicate effectively with our partner. The reason for that being, we become so comfortable with them that we sometimes speak… a little too freely. But when we can communicate with our partner’s effectively, we see some very notable benefits, including:
Builds Trust: Open and honest communication fosters trust between partners. When each person feels heard and understood, trust deepens, allowing for a stronger and more secure relationship.
Enhances Emotional Intimacy: Healthy communication allows both partners to express their feelings, desires, and vulnerabilities. This emotional sharing creates a deeper connection and closeness.
Prevents Misunderstandings: Clear and effective communication reduces the likelihood of misinterpretations or assumptions, leading to fewer arguments and conflicts.
Improves Conflict Resolution: Healthy communication provides tools for managing disagreements constructively. Partners can express their concerns respectfully, listen to each other’s perspectives, and find solutions together.
Strengthens Problem-Solving Skills: Open dialogue allows partners to approach challenges as a team. By discussing issues and brainstorming solutions, both individuals can collaborate to find ways to overcome obstacles.
Promotes Mutual Respect: When communication is respectful and empathetic, it reinforces the idea that each partner’s thoughts and feelings are valued, leading to a balanced and healthy dynamic.
Increases Satisfaction: Effective communication fosters understanding, which contributes to greater relationship satisfaction. When both partners feel comfortable expressing themselves, they are more likely to be content in the relationship.
Fosters Emotional Support: Healthy communication enables partners to provide emotional support during difficult times. Knowing how to communicate comforting words and gestures strengthens the support system within the relationship.
Encourages Growth and Change: In relationships where communication is healthy, both partners are more likely to grow together, adapting to new challenges and evolving in ways that strengthen their bond.
Boosts Self-Esteem: Being able to express yourself and be heard in a relationship boosts self-esteem and confidence. Feeling validated and understood nurtures positive self-worth.
Promotes Healthy Boundaries: Healthy communication allows partners to discuss their needs, set boundaries, and respect each other’s limits, leading to greater balance and respect in the relationship.
Reduces Stress and Anxiety: When partners feel comfortable talking about their concerns, it alleviates emotional burdens and reduces the stress or anxiety that can arise from unspoken issues or unresolved tension.
Encourages Mutual Understanding: Healthy communication allows each partner to gain a better understanding of the other’s background, perspectives, and needs, leading to more empathy and a stronger bond.
Increases Relationship Longevity: Relationships with strong communication skills tend to be more resilient and can withstand difficult situations, leading to a longer-lasting partnership.
Facilitates Fun and Connection: Communication isn’t just for resolving problems—it’s also key to sharing joy, laughter, and experiences. Healthy communication promotes a deeper sense of enjoyment and connection in the relationship.
While reviewing this list of benefits, you can begin to understand how communication has the power to either transform or destroy your relationships.
Guidelines for Having a Difficult Conversation
Now that you’re bought into the benefits of healthy communication, let’s take a look at what’s involved in having a difficult conversation with your partner.
Take Time to Prepare
If you have the luxury of time you really should practice the conversation, for several reasons.
First, practicing will help you determine what needs to be said (and what doesn’t need to be said). As you practice, consider how your partner might feel and respond to the words you’re saying. Will they become defensive and shut down? If so, can you find a way to rephrase what you need to say? Will they be hurt? If so, consider whether or not the conversation is truly worth having in the first place.
In my previous blog post: Honoring Your Needs: How to Stop “Shoulding” Yourself to Enjoy More of Your Life, I shared a tool called a Decisional Balance that you can use to help you decide what the short and long term benefits and short and long term consequences of having a difficult conversation with your partner may be and whether or not the conversation is worth having. Make sure to check out that post to see how this tool is used.
You can get the Decisional Balance tool here:
Second, practicing will help you determine how you might feel while having the conversation. This way you can anticipate any emotions that might arise and you can plan for how you will cope with them in the moment, to keep the conversation on the right track.
Now, there are several ways you can practice a conversation. You can have the conversation with yourself, talking to yourself out loud in private. You can write down what you want to say. Or you can ask a trusted friend or mentor for feedback on what you plan to say to get their perspective.
Ask For Permission
Before starting a conversation, ask your partner if they’re ready to have one. This will ensure they are in the right headspace to have a productive and meaningful conversation.
Timing is everything. If possible, try to choose a time when they’re relaxed and in a good mood. If you try to have a difficult conversation when they’re emotions are already heightened, they will be more easily triggered and won’t be able to focus on and truly receive your message.
Don’t Accuse
Use Assertive Communication – refrain from using accusations. Instead, describe the way their actions had an impact on you personally and emotionally.
Be specific with regard to the actions your partner has taken which offend or upset you. Don’t just accuse by saying things like “You make me feel _________.”
For example, when you _________ it made me feel ________ because ____________.
Describing the impact helps your partner understand your perspective and increases the likelihood that they will comply with your request to stop the upsetting behavior.
Lead with Curiosity
This guideline is more for your benefit than theirs because it will help you to neutralize any strong emotional reactions you might experience as a result of the conversation. However, it will also help you to refrain from making any accusations. We can never assume someone’s intent behind their actions.
Coming from a place of curiosity, ask your partner for their perspective, thoughts and feelings on the matter and then listen (without judgment) to understand their perspective. Recognize that we are all so vastly different with the way we think and move through the world. This is largely in part due to the vastly different experiences we have had throughout our lives. Even when we have had similar upbringings, there are always variations in the thoughts, beliefs and attitudes of the people in our lives who have shaped us.
Practice Active Listening
Eliminate distractions, make eye contact, and ZIP IT! We aren’t listening to respond here, we’re listening to understand, which involves very little talking on our part.
The talking you should be doing should be in the form of reflections and summaries to check your understanding of what your partner is trying to say. If you aren’t quite certain what they’re trying to say but still want to help them feel heard, simply repeat back to them what you heard them say (a type of reflection). Doing this can encourage them to keep talking and maybe you’ll eventually begin to understand what they are trying to convey.
Use Validation
Validate their emotions and experience. Remember that each person can have a different experience, even when we are going through the same situation, due to our past and the way we have been shaped by our caregivers and environment. Therefore, your partner is not automatically wrong for having different thoughts and feelings than you have – they have just had a different experience and might need help understanding yours.
You don’t have to agree with them or tell them they are correct in thinking and feeling the way they do, you can simply say “I hear you saying that you were feeling ___________ when ________.
Ask Open-Ended Questions
An open-ended question is a question that encourages people to give more than a one word answer. For example, “Why do you like ice cream?” versus “Do you like ice cream?”
When you use open-ended questions, you give people an unspoken invitation to share their thoughts with you. They also tend to feel as though you really want them to be a part of the conversation (instead of a silent participant who is simply talked at).
Open-ended questions also help prevent you from asking leading questions to inadvertently steer the conversation, allowing you to really hear their perspective, making it a more productive conversation.
Ask Before Giving Advice
It’s often everyone’s knee jerk reaction to give advice when the conversation is centered around a problem that exists, especially when the person we’re speaking with has come to us with the problem. However, curb this urge to fix until you’re certain the person with whom you are speaking is truly seeking a solution. Sometimes people need to talk simply to be heard and understood, and by launching into “fix it mode” we inadvertently invalidate their feelings and experience.
Also, if we give advice to only those who truly want it, it will ensure the advice is well received versus being perceived as intrusive or assuming.
Remain Calm
Remain calm, even if you’re feeling upset. Oftentimes, one party’s demeanor, tone, and decibel can either escalate or de-escalate the conversation.
I observed this first hand when I used to work in a community mental health center. When a patient would become upset and start yelling, the clinician they were working with would lower their tone and talk even more softly. As a result, the clinician appeared non-threatening. This had a calming effect and the patient would automatically begin to de-escalate and match their tone.
Tips for Practicing These Guidelines
Let’s be real…I’ve outlined A LOT of guidelines in this post, and trying to put them into practice might be overwhelming. So in the spirit of making this easier, here are some tips:
Practice Them Individually. When I was learning motivational interviewing, I focused on practicing one component at a time. For example, once I felt I mastered open-ended questions, I moved onto affirmations, then reflections, then summaries, etc. For me, trying to put it all together at once was just too much.
Practice Them with Everybody. Don’t just practice these guidelines with your partner, practice them with everyone. Afterall, these guidelines translate to all relationships, whether that be romantic, platonic, parent/child, or vocational.
Work Towards Developing an Awareness. You’ll be more likely to utilize these guidelines in the moment if you develop an awareness of them. Start to notice when these guidelines are used (or not used) by yourself or others. You can even use television to develop this awareness, identifying when you see someone on a tv show utilize one of these guidelines (or when they should have used one). Reality tv shows like the Real Housewives on Bravo are great for observing and dissecting conversations to create this awareness.
Practice During Easy Conversations. Don’t wait to practice until the opportunity for a difficult conversation arises. You can actually practice these guidelines while engaging in any type of conversation. In fact, you’d probably find it easier to practice on a regular, mundane, conversation, as your emotions won’t be high and you’ll have an easier time remembering the guidelines.
Do The Work. Do the work to heal from your past, implement healthy coping strategies, and build self-awareness. Doing so will not only help you to be more successful in following these guidelines, it’ll help you respond appropriately if and when your partner is not following them. More specifically, it’ll help you to bring your whole self to your relationship (leaving your baggage in the past), become less reactive, and improve intimacy and connection, which will ultimately allow you to better communicate.
I wrote an ebook filled with activities and exercises to help you do just this, called Journey Within: A Guide to Strengthening the Connection with Yourself and Others.
Thank you for reading this post! As stated earlier, the guidelines above have been reviewed very briefly due to concerns about length of this post and therefore I will be posting additional content on the Blog to go more in depth on how you can practice each one. If you haven’t already, subscribe to the newsletter to make sure you’re notified when these become available!
Before we say goodbye, here are some additional resources:
I create content about important skills which impact the health and quality of relationships, including self-care, healthy coping, communication, mindfulness, meditation, and shadow work. Follow me on these social platforms for more content:
Finally, if you’re struggling with any of the topics covered in this or other posts in my blog, let’s connect! Schedule a complimentary 30 minute call with me to discuss your barriers and how I may be able to help you eliminate them.
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