The Reality of a SAHM: The 10 Biggest Challenges Stay At Home Mom’s Face and How To Overcome Them

“Erin…watching and playing with little kids all day ISN’T fun!” These are words my therapist said to me while I was in her office, crying, expressing my conflicting emotions about putting my soon to be two year old in daycare. This statement broke up my tears by making me giggle…but it was also the validation I needed to get unstuck and finally move forward with my plans to end my time as a full time SAHM (stay at home mom), (mostly) guilt free.

As women, we often receive an insane amount of pressure to work as though we don’t have kids and raise our kids as though we don’t have to work. There seems to be a stigma no matter which choice you make (to work full time or stay home and raise your kids). And this stigma can make it incredibly difficult to fully commit to and enjoy the path you chose. What’s more, some do not even have a choice because they are bound by financial or other limiting circumstances.

Now, I’ve held some challenging jobs: Healthcare Leadership role responsible for a team of 60+, Probation & Parole Agent, and Suicide Prevention Phone Counselor, but I found being a SAHM to be the most difficult (yet rewarding) jobs I have had to date.

If you are or have been a SAHM and can relate, even slightly, to the challenges stay at home motherhood brings, this post is for you. In it, I’ll discuss the common challenges SAHMs experiences as well as tips to work through these challenges.

Now, I understand everyone’s experience is slightly different, as we all come from different backgrounds with different life experiences, different challenges, and levels of support which impact our day to day realities. However, I hope this serves as the validation you need to make peace with your current situation, and move forward with confidence to find fulfillment and joy in your journey.

First, a little bit of my back story…

I had never envisioned myself as a stay at home mom. In fact, my husband and I had talked about it prior to getting pregnant and I had vehemently declined the idea of leaving my career and staying home…but then I had a child of my own and everything changed. I did end up returning to work after maternity leave, to see how it would feel…but didn’t even make it two weeks before I gave my notice.

And things were great!…until they weren’t. I absolutely loved it at first! I got to be there for all of his milestones, create what I felt was the safest and most nurturing environment, and make all of his baby food from scratch. But at about that 18 month mark, my mental health started to decline.

Now, prior to writing this post, I reviewed my journal entries around that 18 month time frame, to refresh my memory on some very specific thoughts I was having about being a SAHM. I would like to share some of them with you here, because maybe you can relate:

I’m treating each day as something I just need to get through, instead of living, what’s wrong with me?
Every day feels so monotonous!
I want to be the one to raise my son but I’m not enjoying or utilizing this time like I should. (This thought brought forth intense feelings of guilt and shame)
It’s a privilege to be the one to raise your own children. You should feel grateful to have this opportunity. (Another guilt and shame evoking thought)
Everything I do feels like a “should” or “have to” instead of a “get to.”

These were just some of the thoughts that plagued me personally. Looking back, I now realize that my life was off-balance. I had wanted to spend a lot of time with my child but did not want to spend ALL of my time with him. I wasn’t living my life to its fullest, I was merely existing. Each day felt so monotonous, to the point I became frozen in a state of inaction, resigned to remain in the house, isolated. I had lost myself in my “Mommy identity.” I was becoming depressed.

Today, I know exactly what I could have done differently, in order to prevent such a decline. For me, personally, I know I needed to ask for more help instead of playing super woman and trying to do it all. I should have demanded more time for myself before I reached the burn out stage. I could have benefited from a daily schedule and planned activities that got me and my son out of the house more so that I didn’t feel so isolated.

But, ultimately, I had to make my peace with the fact that I had reached a point in my SAHMotherhood where I needed a break to pursue other goals and dreams (this blog being one of them). And it was OKAY that I wanted some separation from my child to pursue my goals. Wanting that does not make me love him less.

Now that you’ve heard some of my story (and personal motivation for writing this post and sharing the following information), let’s dive into the REAL reason we’re reading this post and review some of the common reasons that SAHMs find themselves struggling.

10 Reasons SAHMs Struggle:

1. Isolation and Lack of Social Interaction

Limited Adult Interaction: Stay-at-home mothers often spend most of their time with young children, which can lead to social isolation. The lack of adult conversations and the monotony of daily routines can contribute to feelings of loneliness and depression.
Social Stigma: There can be societal pressure that undervalues stay-at-home mothers, leading them to feel disconnected or underappreciated. This lack of external validation can affect their sense of self-worth.

2. Loss of Personal Identity

Role Overload: Mothers may become so immersed in caregiving that they lose sight of their own identities, as they often prioritize the needs of their children and family over their own. This can lead to a sense of losing themselves, making them feel unfulfilled.
Lack of Recognition: Many stay-at-home moms struggle with the fact that their work is often undervalued, both by society and sometimes even within their families. This lack of recognition can lead to frustration and burnout.

3. Financial Stress

Economic Dependence: Many stay-at-home mothers are financially dependent on their partners, which can create stress if there are financial difficulties. They may feel a lack of control over their financial situation, which can contribute to anxiety or low self-esteem.
Pressure to Contribute: Some stay-at-home moms may feel guilt or societal pressure to contribute financially, especially if they believe that their decision to stay at home is not respected or seen as contributing enough to the household.

4. Parenting Stress and Exhaustion

Constant Demands: Parenting, especially with young children, is physically and emotionally exhausting. Constant caregiving without time for self-care can lead to burnout, anxiety, and depression.
Unrealistic Expectations: Social media and other platforms often portray an idealized version of motherhood, leading stay-at-home mothers to feel inadequate when they cannot live up to those expectations. This can create feelings of failure and low self-esteem.

5. Lack of “Me Time”

Neglecting Personal Needs: Without external support or enough personal time, stay-at-home mothers may neglect their own mental and physical health. Lack of self-care can increase vulnerability to depression, anxiety, and other mental health struggles.
Burnout: Without time to rest or engage in activities outside of motherhood, the cumulative stress of managing the household and caregiving responsibilities can lead to exhaustion, a sense of overwhelm, and eventually burnout.

6. Marital Strain

Relationship Tensions: The dynamics of a relationship can change when one partner stays home, especially if there are disagreements over household responsibilities or financial pressures. Lack of communication and support from a partner can lead to feelings of frustration and resentment.
Depression or Anxiety Impacting Relationships: Mental health struggles like depression or anxiety can sometimes lead to tension between partners, further exacerbating feelings of isolation and dissatisfaction.

7. Postpartum Mental Health Challenges

Postpartum Depression and Anxiety: After giving birth, some mothers experience postpartum depression or anxiety, which can persist long after the child is born. Hormonal changes, sleep deprivation, and overwhelming responsibilities can contribute to these challenges.
Trauma and Recovery: Some mothers may also deal with trauma from childbirth or other life events, adding to emotional strain.

8. Physical Health and Sleep Deprivation

Chronic Fatigue: Stay-at-home mothers are often deprived of sleep, especially with infants or young children. Chronic sleep deprivation can contribute to mental health struggles, such as anxiety and depression.
Physical Health Issues: The physical demands of caring for children, doing household chores, and lack of time for exercise can lead to physical discomfort, which in turn can exacerbate mental health struggles.

9. Lack of Support or Help

Absence of External Help: Without extended family support or reliable childcare options, the demands of staying at home with children can feel overwhelming. This lack of support can cause feelings of frustration, loneliness, and resentment.
Support Networks: A lack of community or emotional support from other mothers or friends can intensify feelings of isolation. Building a support network is crucial to managing mental health, but for some, this can be challenging.

10. Unmet Personal or Career Goals

Ambitions on Hold: Some mothers have aspirations that they feel they must put on hold while focusing on their children. The frustration of not being able to pursue their career or personal goals can cause dissatisfaction, identity issues, or anxiety.
Fear of Losing Career Momentum: Many mothers worry about losing their professional identity or career trajectory while staying at home, which can create anxiety about their future.

Looking at this list, I’d say that I experienced most of these at one point or another. I can’t say, however, that I have any regrets, because while I really did struggle and my mental health began to decline, I also learned valuable lessons that I can carry with me and share with others, to help them positively impact their experiences. And luckily, I was able to recognize the decline quickly and acted to reverse it.

One last thought…I believe struggling doesn’t have to be a solely negative experience. Sometimes what looks like a challenge is actually an opportunity for deep reflection to identify an unmet need.

Moving on…here are some tips for preventing or reversing SAHM burnout. Now, I could have written a short book on this topic but in the spirit of keeping this post more manageable (and digestible), I only included a handful of tips or less for each challenge. If you get through this section and feel none of the tips are applicable to you or your situation, please know that there IS a solution. Please reach out and ask for help!

Steps you can take to combat each of these common SAHM challenges:

Isolation:

Engage with a SAHM community, whether that be via social media groups or finding local groups near you. Just google “Stay at home moms groups” and see what comes up. You can also meet people in Facebook groups which you can relate to and receive/provide emotional support.

Join the YMCA and utilize their child day care while you get your sweat on. Even if you don’t interact with anyone there specifically, sometimes just being around people versus stuck in your home feels refreshing.

Make plans to see your friends as regularly as you can, with or without your kids. If you’re in a season of your life where you’re not in touch with friends, consider volunteering your time somewhere, joining a club, or taking a class to possibly find new people to add to your circle.

Get out of the house more with the kids. Go to the park, zoo, visit Grandma and Grandpa, or even go walk around Target. Anything to get you out of the house and around people regularly.

Loss of Personal Identity:

I know it’s hard to find the time but if you can find even 20 minutes to shower, put some dry shampoo in your hair, slap on some mascara, and brush your teeth, you’ll feel more like a goddess and less of “just a mom.” It’s also helpful to get dressed in clothing and jewelry that brings you joy, instead of always gravitating towards the old standby comfy clothing that can so easily become habitual to wear. Don’t get me wrong, I love my leggings, but something about wearing a dress, a nice sweater, or some sparkly earrings just helps remind me of the woman I am.

Continue to make time daily for self-care, including personal hobbies and interests you enjoyed prior to baby.

Listen to music, read books, and consume media that you love and reminds you of who you are at your core.

Also, give yourself grace to evolve, loving and accepting the new you…motherhood is a very transformative time and you will more than likely not be the same after you have a baby…you’ll be new and improved 😀.

Financial Stress:

Continue to work to reframe any thoughts which create anxiety about finances. Remind yourself that this season of your life is temporary and while you may not have as disposable of an income as you had when you were working full time, you have other blessings to be grateful for. Practicing mindfulness to remain in the present versus in fear of the future can help with this. If you’re interested in learning more about mindfulness and its benefits, check out my previous blog post: How Mindfulness Can Transform Every Area of Your Life and Why Everyone Should Be Practicing It

Lean into this lesson of how to live with less. Find (free) online sources which teach you how to save money, such as podcasts or social media accounts who share tips. Embrace thrifting versus buying new (and if you want to feel inspired to thrift and consume less, watch the Netflix documentary “Buy Now: The Shopping Conspiracy”).

Be honest with yourself about your financial situation and goals for your present and future. Considering your values when setting your budget can help you set more realistic financial goals. If having extra income for more than the necessities isn’t an important value to you, great! If the financial stability you want for yourself and your family is out of reach with just one income, consider a part-time job or side hustle to earn extra income and lessen the anxiety that comes with an unrealistic budget.

Note: Your values should steer the important decisions you need to make, as this will help you to feel the most aligned (and least stressed and unhappy). If you’ve never taken the time to sit down, reflect and identify your core values, I have a free resource I’ve created to help you do this. Get a copy here:

Parenting Stress and Exhaustion:

Spend more of your time doing things you enjoy versus things you “should” or “have” to do.

Have realistic expectations for yourself. Make the frozen pizza for dinner instead of cooking something from scratch every night. Your family will survive and you’ll have more energy to spend on your family or self-care later.

Along those same lines, when considering household chores, consider the 80/20 principle which states that 80% of your results come from 20% of the action you take. Don’t stress over dusting those baseboards once a month. Instead, focus on keeping the clutter at bay, the dishes done, and visible dust and dirt cleaned up. I guess what I’m trying to say is…consider lowering your standards, until you have the time to be Danny Tanner on Full House again.

Lack of “Me Time”

Schedule time away from the home while your spouse or someone else watches the kids so that you can regroup and refresh, even if it’s just a trip to stroll through Target with some Starbucks.

Revisit my tip about joining a gym that has a drop off daycare center above.

For me, I regularly hand my son over to my husband and declare, “Your turn, I’m taking a bubble bath” 😀.

Create a morning and/or evening routine that includes time for self-care activities and hold yourself accountable to it. Self-care can make or break your mental health, and the mental health of the mother is vital to the overall wellbeing of the child. Check out my recent blog post: 10 Reasons Why Moms Who Prioritize Self-Care Raise Happier, Healthier Kids to learn more about why mom’s mental health matters.

Marital Strain:

I know it’s hard but make time for each other. Even if it’s just a drink on the porch or pizza and movie night on the couch after the kids are asleep.

Be aware of your triggers, emotions and reactions, as they can impact not only yourself but also your partner. I myself struggled with postpartum OCD which produced a lot of anxiety fairly quickly after birth and was very aware that my anxiety could have a ripple effect on those I love, my husband included. Therefore, I began my healing journey pretty quickly into my fourth trimester, to figure out how to better respond to my triggers as well as better manage my emotions and my reactions.

I compiled all of the information I’ve learned over the years and methods used during this specific period of my life into an ebook that helps others also achieve harmony in their relationships. It’s called, “Journey Within: A Guide to Strengthening the Connection with Yourself and Others.” In this ebook, I teach you evidence-based coping strategies to help you master your emotions (emotional intelligence) and achieve radical self-acceptance to neutralize triggers. Achieving these has a positive ripple effect on your relationships because when we bring our whole, healed, selves to our relationships, they thrive. Note that this is not to serve as a replacement for therapy, should you feel you need that support.

Also, while it may feel wildly uncomfortable, have the difficult conversations with your partner. Share your feelings and make specific requests for their help and support. Both of you had this child and you are in this together. If you are having a hard time having these conversations, let’s talk! I love to help people navigate difficult conversations.

Schedule a complimentary 30 minute call with me to see how I might be able to help.

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Postpartum Mental Health Challenges:

Be honest with yourself about what your mental state is. Seek therapy or take medication as needed. Especially after we have a baby, our hormones can create a very real chemical imbalance in our brain which can cause an array of mental health symptoms. Those symptoms do NOT have to be something you just have to live with or ride out.

Physical Health & Sleep Deprivation:

Honor your body’s preferred sleep-wake cycle as much as you can. I understand that you cannot control whether or not your child sleeps through the night, or when your breasts need to be pumped to relieve all of that pressure, but you can set some boundaries to help yourself get more of the sleep you need. For example:

Control the hours you make yourself available to others. For example, if you need your sleep, set a boundary to not engage with calls or messages past your bedtime.
If you aren’t getting the sleep you need at night, consider waking up later in the morning (if possible) to balance it out.
Have agreed upon shifts with your spouse. My husband and I did this during the first couple of weeks after my son was born while he was waking up every hour or so. One of us would sleep on the couch with him in his bassinet in the living room for the first half of the night and the other would be upstairs in bed, getting better quality sleep. Then we would switch halfway through the night. That way each of us got at least four hours of good quality sleep instead of both of us getting a full night of broken sleep. As he got older and would sleep longer, we took turns sleeping with him in his nursery (because I was THAT mom who had to follow the APA guidelines for sleeping in the same room until he was 6 months to a T).
If all else fails, embrace naps.

I know the pressure is sometimes intensely felt to get back down to your pre-pregnancy weight/body, but maintaining a healthy diet with an appropriate caloric intake is important for maintaining your health and energy level, whether you’re in your fourth trimester or not. Carbs aren’t the devil… they are a quick energy source that our body can more easily access than fat. But if you’re concerned, focus on choosing healthy carbs that add nutritional value instead of screaming YOLO as you grab for the bag of potato chips and carton of ice cream.

Finally, sitting on the couch, watching Bluey with your kids all morning can be super tempting, but make sure you’re getting up at least once an hour and moving around, in addition to other forms of exercise you find enjoyable once a day (running after toddlers counts, in my opinion). This is key to maintaining health and energy.

Lack of Support or Help:

Challenge yourself to consider whether you truly don’t have anyone that you can ask for help or if you just feel uncomfortable doing so. For some of us, myself included, it’s so hard to ask for help. Even when people offer to help, I don’t usually take them up on their offers due to feeling guilty that I’m imposing. My dad always jokes with me, “What good are your friends if you can’t use them?” Now, please don’t get any ideas about the type of person my father is from this statement. He is actually one of the most generous people with his time and resources. I always used to laugh when he would make this comment but now I get it… we’re here on this planet to help eachother out. If I have what you need, why not share it, and if I’m ever in a bind, then you should (hopefully) reciprocate.

Also, it’s always easier to ask someone for help if you have a specific request. For example, my parents had told me that they are happy to watch my son whenever I needed (a blanket offer) but I always dreaded asking them because I didn’t want to make too many requests for fear I was asking for too much. Coming up with a schedule of specific and consistent hours in the week where they would watch him helped remove some of these feelings for me (because I had to make the verbal request less often due to having the schedule already in place).

If you have friends or coworkers who also have kids, see if they also have limited support and might be open to an arrangement where you watch each other’s kids from time to time.

If you have a friend, family member or therapist that you trust and feel supported by, connect with them regularly for emotional support. Sometimes we just need a little validation to feel better!

If your relationship contains traditional gender specific roles, consider talking to your partner about amending your roles, even if just for the time being. My husband vacuums and does the dishes just as much as I do, and does so because he recognizes the load I carry as the primary parent of our son. If you can afford it, hire the cleaning service or buy the robot vacuum. The short term cost of these things may well be worth the long term cost of not having them, if it creates the time for you to do other things which bring you joy, rest and fulfillment.

If your child is experiencing a delay in skills, consider getting them in a play group or setting with other children where they can observe and learn these skills. For example, my son’s speech was slightly delayed. When we got him into daycare, his vocabulary exploded! This alleviated a lot of the pressure I was feeling from having to teach him these skills by myself.

Unmet Personal or Career Goals:

Continue with your professional endeavors if you have them and feel strongly about them. As with the financial section, consider your values when setting your SAHM and career goals. If financial stability or having a career which requires a lot of time and energy are important values to you, honor those values and consider if being a SAHM is as high up on your values list (you may drive yourself nuts trying to have it all…).

Again, get a copy of my guide to identifying your values here:

Ask for help from your spouse or consider part time child care to carve out time to pursue vocational opportunities which bring you a sense of accomplishment and pride. For example, before I put my son in daycare, my husband would watch our son in the evenings while I worked. I also had an in-home nanny come three days per week for 3 hours each day, to allow me time to work on my professional endeavors. I found her by posting on an ebulletin board at a local University.

Recognize that your original career plans may need to be scaled back temporarily, in order to accommodate your new lifestyle (and that’s okay).

Thank you for taking the time to read this post! I hope it serves as validation of your motherhood experience and makes you feel less alone in your journey.

As someone who has experienced many conflicting thoughts and feelings about whether to work or stay at home, I’ve come to the conclusion that there is no right answer. Therefore, we need to trust our gut, let our values lead us, and do what is ultimately best for our overall mental health, because our children thrive when their Mama’s are happy and healthy.

Additional Resources

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