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It’s the week of Valentine’s Day! So here’s your obligatory Valentine’s Day blog post from your friendly Relationship Coach and Blogger.
I understand that Valentine’s Day can be a polarizing holiday for many. In the past, I admittedly have rolled my eyes and gagged when this Holiday rolled around. I’ve refused to wear red or pink the week of the holiday, in protest. I’ve also labeled it a conspiracy by the candy company to sell us more sugar! I have fond memories of Valentine’s Day as a kid but as I got older and either struggled to find love or maintain healthy relationships, Valentine’s Day became a dreaded holiday that just made me feel lonely.
I remember feeling very excited when I met my first husband to finally have someone to celebrate these types of holidays with. I’ll be honest, I don’t remember much about my first Valentine’s Day with him…but somewhere along the line I got the (unspoken) message that this holiday wasn’t a big deal to him and I shouldn’t expect much. This message spilled over to anniversaries and other special moments that should have been celebrated as well. In retrospect, it was a red flag. But, instead of doing the healthy thing (knowing what I want from my partner and what I need in order to feel loved, and then communicating those needs to allow him to choose to either meet them or not) I told myself that I’ve never really been into Valentine’s Day and therefore don’t really need to celebrate it.
Even more soul crushing for me than Valentine’s Day was our first anniversary. I planned what I thought was a great gift and was so excited to give it to him (a barbeque set because he had just bought a house, which we had just moved into together, and we had been dreaming of grilling together). He didn’t get me a damn thing.
To save face and minimize the hurt and rejection I felt, I championed myself as the “low maintenance girlfriend” (eventually wife) who was cool with the bare minimum because she didn’t need that sort of validation or reassurance about her relationship. And you know what? I actually started to believe my own bullshit!…until I met a man (my current husband) who goes out of his way to make me feel special, not just on holidays or anniversaries like this, but every day. And not just by buying me gifts (which isn’t actually one of my top love languages at all). If I had been honest with myself and honored my needs in my first marriage, things would have been different.
Now, who knows exactly what that different would have looked like. Maybe we would have been able to get on the same page about our individual needs, become more comfortable having difficult conversations, and had a healthier relationship. Or, maybe I would have ended up leaving after year one and that marriage never would have happened. Either way, I’m not one to regret or mourn the past. I believe our important lessons come from our biggest challenges. At the end of the day, I spent 7 years in that relationship and learned a lot of valuable lessons that I can now carry with me into my current relationship, and share with you all.
The lesson I’ve learned that I want to share today isn’t really about whether or not to celebrate Valentine’s Day. It’s about the importance of expressing your love to your partner in a way that they recognize, whether that’s giving gifts or something else. Not just on Valentine’s Day, but every day. Additionally, this lesson can be applied to anyone in your life that you love: your partner, kids, friends, parents, etc.
Table of Contents
The Official Love Language Resource
The 5 Love Languages Explained
How Practicing Your Partner’s Dominant Language Helps Improve Your Relationship
How My Family Practices Each of The 5
Identifying Your Partner’s Love Language
Additional Resources to Improve Your Relationships
The Official Love Language Resource
When I talk about showing love in a way that it’s recognized and accepted, I am talking about Dr. Gary Chapman’s 5 Love Languages.
Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you’ve more than likely heard of this theory. If you haven’t or you have and want to learn even more, I recommend getting Dr. Chapman’s book. It’s a very quick read, easy to understand, and gives you a ton of tips to implement his theory. It also has a quiz to more easily identify you and your partner’s love language.
I was given a copy of this book by a good friend who had also been struggling in her marriage. The information within was so simple but I remember feeling as though this was the most profound information I have ever come across. It was really what helped me to realize one of the ways we had gotten to the point where we were trialing separations and discussing divorce.
Now, there are other important relationship skills that my ex-husband and I both lacked, in addition to knowing how to effectively express our love for one another, such as conflict resolution, giving feedback, assertive communication, active listening, and communicating our needs. That’s for a different blog post. In fact, you can check out some I’ve already written on these topics:
Healthy Communication 101: Effective Communication Skills for Healthy Relationships
The Power of Validation: How to Transform Your Relationship Using One Simple Tool
The 5 Love Languages Explained
Let’s get into what the 5 Love Languages are, according to Dr. Gary Chapman.
Words of Affirmation: Expressing love through verbal communication—compliments, praise, appreciation, and encouraging words. People with this love language value hearing affirming words that reassure them of love.
Acts of Service: Showing love through actions, like doing things to help or take care of someone—cooking a meal, cleaning, or taking on tasks that make life easier for the other person.
Receiving Gifts: Giving or receiving thoughtful gifts is a key expression of love for people with this love language. It’s not about materialism but rather the meaning and thoughtfulness behind the gift.
Quality Time: For people with this love language, spending undivided, meaningful time together is crucial. It’s about being fully present and engaged without distractions.
Physical Touch: Showing affection through physical contact—holding hands, hugs, kisses, or other forms of physical closeness. Physical touch is an important way for people with this love language to feel loved.
I’ll provide my own examples later on in this post but, again, Dr. Gary Chapman does a pretty thorough job in his book in explaining each of these languages and providing examples.
How Practicing Your Partner’s Dominant Language Helps Improve Your Relationship
Let’s talk about why this is important. In my humble opinion, here are ten reasons why you should care to speak your partner’s love language:
Enhances Emotional Connection: By speaking your partner’s love language, you show them you understand and care about their needs, which deepens the emotional bond between you.
Increases Intimacy: Whether through words, actions, touch, or quality time, speaking their love language makes them feel truly seen and appreciated, which naturally fosters emotional and physical intimacy.
Boosts Communication: By making an effort to speak your partner’s love language, you show that you’re actively listening to their needs and are committed to better communication, verbal or non-verbal, helping prevent misunderstandings.
Builds Trust: Demonstrating love through their preferred love language creates a sense of security in the relationship. When they feel loved in a way that resonates with them, it strengthens trust.
Promotes Positive Reinforcement: Showing love in their language reinforces the positive aspects of the relationship. It helps them feel valued, which motivates them to reciprocate with love and kindness.
Reduces Conflict: Understanding how your partner best receives love can minimize frustration. When you meet their emotional needs, they’re less likely to feel neglected or misunderstood, leading to fewer conflicts.
Fosters Appreciation: Regularly speaking their love language shows them that you’re intentional about making them happy. This effort encourages mutual appreciation, ensuring both partners feel valued.
Strengthens Emotional Support: Responding to their love language shows them you’re emotionally available and supportive, making them feel cared for and understood in difficult moments.
Creates a Healthy Relationship Dynamic: Meeting your partner’s love language fosters mutual respect and care, which helps create a healthy, balanced dynamic where both partners feel equally invested.
Deepens Commitment: Consistently practicing your partner’s love language shows that you’re committed to their happiness and well-being. It helps solidify the long-term bond between you both.
I often refer to the “Ripple Effect” that actions have. There is a clear ripple effect when we make an attempt to speak our partner’s love language. They feel loved, valued and prioritized, and are more often than not incentivized to reciprocate and help us to feel the same.
How My Family Practices Each of The 5
As stated earlier, Dr. Gary Chapman’s book includes a lot of examples to really help you to better understand how to execute each of the 5. I don’t need to duplicate his work; however, I will share some examples of how my family practices each of these languages here, in case you don’t wish to read his book and need a few examples.
Words of Affirmation
- Affirmation boards – Years ago I created dry erase affirmation boards for my husband and I to write messages to each other (“I love you because”). I also created one for my step-daughter’s room (“I’m awesome because”). While the boards don’t get as much consistent use 4 years later, we do still update them from time to time and I know it makes me smile when I see a new message.
- Saying thank you for making dinner- I always appreciate the way my husband thanks me for making dinner, even when I make a frozen pizza. It lets me know that he appreciates the time and effort I spend, making sure our family is fed.
- Recognizing when one us does something well – Giving kudos for even the most basic things. For example, I let my husband know how much more thorough of a job he does at vacuuming the couch than I do (secretively this is positive reinforcement to get him to continue to do this task…because I loathe it *insert evil laughter here*). Other examples are recognizing my step-daughter for her creativity or when she makes a good/healthy choice, or giving verbal praise to my son for picking up his toys all on his own (at the age of 2).
- Recognizing each other’s strengths – You want to make someone’s day? Point out something they excel at and watch them light up!
- Saying I love you before parting ways – We always do this. No exceptions.
- Checking in – My husband is great at sending me messages throughout the day to check in and ask how my day’s going which makes me feel as though I am always on his mind.
Acts of Service
- Meal prep – I make most of my family’s food from scratch. Or, I make special meals I know my step-daughter will eat (she’s a little picky and won’t eat most of the meals we have as a family).
- Division of Responsibilities – I have not had to handle any snow removal since meeting my husband. He knows that I loathe that task and he just handles it. I also have not had to arrange any of my car maintenance or worry about fixing anything around the house.
- Acting as a Mentor – As long as my step-daughter is open to feedback and advice, I take the time to educate her on certain topics, to help her develop important life skills that will support her physical and mental health as she grows into an adult.
- I have taken on the role of family coordinator, keeping track of everyone’s schedules and commitments. My husband often expresses how much he appreciates me keeping the family organized.
- Stepping up to fulfill each other’s dreams – My husband has really stepped into his role as a “Chicken Daddy”, even though chickens were MY dream and not his (and they’re actually a lot of work).
Receiving Gifts
We don’t buy a lot of expensive gifts in our family outside of birthdays and Christmas. But we do gift each other small, meaningful items throughout the year.
- Flowers – Before we had our son and bought our house (and had more expendable income), my husband used to buy me flowers regularly. Now he weeds our flower beds and picks them from our yard. I think this honestly means more to me.
- Pets – My husband grew up with reptiles as a kid and has instilled a love of lizards and frogs in our kids. He will catch a baby frog in the yard and then let the kids adopt it as a pet. Last summer he actually caught a praying mantis and we kept that as a pet, which was pretty cool.
- We buy each other our favorite candy or treat from the grocery store, letting the other person know we had been thinking about them.
- We take the family out for ice cream.
- My husband buys new video games that he and my step-daughter can play together.
Quality Time
- Watching movies or TV (without distractions)- We often have a night where we will watch a movie with my step-daughter, or my husband and I will watch a tv show together that we both like. It doesn’t count as quality time if we’re on our phones however…
- Nature walks – We live on several acres and have a wildflower meadow in our backyard that has trails throughout it. We enjoy walking these trails in the evening with the kids and dog.
- Catching fireflies or grasshoppers – My step-daughter has enjoyed catching these and then keeping them in her room for the night as a night light (she’s quickly reaching the age where she’ll be too old for this…but we have our son who will soon be old enough to participate). My husband likes to catch grasshoppers with the kids to then feed to our pet frogs and lizards.
- Sitting around a bonfire- We have a fire pit in our backyard and enjoy the occasional fire together, listening to music and talking.
- Playing in the snow with the kids – Sledding, building a snowman, or tying a sled to the four wheeler and taking our step-daughter for a ride!
- Sitting on the porch together in the evenings and just talking. My step-daughter and I have also enjoyed some porch time together while we each read books.
- Going to the arcade, the zoo, or the pool with the kids
- Playing video or board games with the kids. Lately my son is really into making puzzles with me so we have spent a lot of time doing that in the evenings.
- Reading books at bedtime – My son LOVES books, he always has. In fact, at one year old he began to prefer books over toys. Needless to say, we spend a lot of time reading books, but we always make it a point to spend 20-30 minutes reading him books at bedtime. It’s been a great way to connect with him.
Physical Touch
- Feet and back rubs – My personal favorite way to receive physical touch.
- Holding hands while sitting on the couch
- Kisses goodbye
- Hugs – My step daughter has always valued hugs and sees them as a way to connect with those she loves. In fact, she had to give my husband feedback at one point that he gives lackluster side hugs and needs to work on this. (Good for her for communicating her needs!!)
- Snuggles on the couch
Identifying Your Partner’s Love Language
As mentioned above, Dr. Gary Chapman includes in his book a robust quiz to help you identify your love language, as well as your partners.
To post his quiz on here, I believe, would be copyright infringement, so I will not be doing that. However, I will say that if you do not want to purchase the book to access the quiz you can identify your partner’s love language simply by observing the ways they attempt to show love to you. You see, we are always fluent in the language in which we prefer to receive love. Therefore, if you notice they utilize one language over the others, chances are, that is also how they want to receive love.
Additional Resources to Improve Your Relationships
As I said earlier in this post, a failure to speak my first husband’s love language was not the sole demise of our relationship. There are many important relationship skills which are vital to the health and success of a relationship which also need to be exercised. These skills include:
- Communication (conflict resolution, giving feedback, assertive communication, active listening, and communicating our needs)
- Self-Reflection (Shadow Work to recognize our own behavior, habits, limited beliefs and patterns which have a negative ripple effect on those we love)
- Empathy (Taking the perspective of others)
- Self-Regulation (through healthy coping so that our stress does not spill over and effect those we love)
I personally believe you need all of these skills in order to thrive in your relationships. I feel this way because, since my first marriage ended, I have worked to develop these skills and I can say I do see a clear difference in how I am able to show up in this marriage versus my first.
I also notice the positive ripple effect my use of these skills has on my husband (it kind of serves as a reminder or incentive for him to utilize them as well). I do not actively try to change him (because you really can’t change someone – they have to want to change themselves – a lesson I learned as a Probation & Parole Agent) but I do see my influence in how we navigate conflict and communicate with each other.
On that note, sometimes it takes one person to help set the tone for the relationship. Dr. Gary Chapman notes this in his book as well, that the change in your relationship can start with one partner and eventually spread to the other. This is why I always say that healthy relationships start with the relationship you have with YOURSELF.
If this all sounds logical and you need help getting started, here are some additional resources:
If you’d like to explore coaching as a way to further develop your relationship skills, let’s connect! Schedule a complimentary 30 minute discovery call here, to see if it would be a good fit.
Also, if coaching isn’t your thing but you are still interested in learning more about the self-reflection, empathy and self-regulation skills I referenced above, I’ve written and released an ebook that you can get here on my website called: Journey Within: A Guide to Strengthening the Connection with Yourself and Others. It contains information and exercises you can implement into your daily practice that help you to transform your ability to connect with yourself and others, thus improving your relationships. The exercises within are the exact ones I have used while doing my own shadow work, to:
- Better understand myself, my emotions, and why I do the things I do
- Improve my self-confidence and self love
- Improve my Relationships
- Achieve Better Emotional Regulation
- Discover my hidden inner strengths and talents
- Increased my empathy and compassion towards others
- Reduce or eliminate my self-sabotaging behaviors
I create content about important skills which impact the health and quality of relationships, including self-care, healthy coping, communication, mindfulness, meditation, and shadow work. Follow me on these social platforms for more content:
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