We’re starting to enter into a challenging time with my step-daughter. I’m talking about those years that a lot of parents dread. She’s 12 going on 18. Her hormones are all over the place due to puberty. And she’s exhibiting some (very normal) tweenage behavior that we will need to have ongoing conversations about as a family.
In all fairness, even though she has always been (and still is) a very good kid, I knew full well this day would come. It’s going to come for my son and my daughter as well some day. For a couple of years now, I have been talking to my step-daughter about the emotional and behavioral changes she will inevitably go through, the fights she will have with her parents, and some of the ways she might feel about life in general, as a way to normalize it for her (and also as a way to mentally prepare myself). But now that it’s here…I’m really having to lean into practicing what I preach so that I don’t end up damaging our relationship.
The way we talk to our kids matters. It determines how well you’re received, how well they understand you, and how likely they are to follow through with your requests or instructions. It also determines whether or not they feel safe coming to you in the future with a problem they need help with. If you’ve ever wondered how to talk to your kids to have more productive conversations, stick with me as I draw on the methods I’ve learned, personally and professionally, to do just that.
Table of Contents
The Skills You Need to Master to Have Difficult yet Productive Conversations
Why It’s Important to Master These Skills
Tips for Facilitating a Successful Conversation
The Skills You Need to Master to Have Difficult yet Productive Conversations
Typically I start my blog posts with “The Why,” to explain why you should buy into what I’m talking about, but today I thought I’d save that for later. Let’s start by reviewing some key skills that you really need to master, in order to have difficult yet productive conversations with your kids (or with anyone, really. There is no age limit for the use of these skills).
The first set of skills are ones I developed while learning Motivational Interviewing (MI). If you’re unfamiliar with MI, according to Miller and Rollnick’s book Motivational Interviewing: Helping people to change, “MI is a collaborative, goal-oriented style of communication with particular attention to the language of change. It is designed to strengthen personal motivation for and commitment to a specific goal by eliciting and exploring the person’s own reasons for change within an atmosphere of acceptance and compassion.”
I’ve come to know MI as a way for me to help others feel heard and not judged, as well as giving them the opportunity to truly explore and communicate their feelings in what feels like a safe space.
Now, I’ve had advanced trainings in MI while working for the Department of Corrections but I’m not going to teach you how to do it in this post because it is a very in depth skill and even though I’ve had the trainings I’ve had, I don’t consider myself an MI expert. If you’re interested in learning it, I’d recommend you learn it from someone in MINT (Motivational Interviewing Network of Trainers). I will, however, highlight several of the key skills within MI that help me have successful conversations and have helped me to build rapport to gain trust and respect from my step-daughter.
Active Listening: When practicing active listening, you have to listen more than talk. This might mean sitting through some pretty uncomfortable silence or long pauses. Resist the urge to fill the silence! To help you do this, think about that silence and those pauses as your way of showing your support and willingness to give them “the floor” and really hear what they have to say.
I would also encourage you to show open body language here (arms open and to the sides, not crossed in front of you, facing them, relaxed posture, appropriate eye contact, etc.).
Ask Open-Ended Questions: Open-ended questions are questions that force the other person to answer in more than a one word answer. For example, “What about that rule do you think is unfair?” versus the closed-ended version, “Do you think that rule is unfair?”
Open-ended questions encourage the other person to share their thoughts. It’s a subliminal way to let the other person know you genuinely want to hear what they have to say.
Utilize Empathy Appropriately: Empathy is such a powerful tool in helping us navigate our interactions with others. Taking the time to try and understand things from someone else’s perspective helps us to remain non-judgmental (which is pretty important if you want the other person to open up and share their thoughts).
When talking to your kids, remember what it was like for you at their age. They’re facing a lot of confusing emotions without the skillset to regulate them on their own. They also don’t have the life experience of an adult to understand the potential impact of their actions. I know that I myself was a good kid but even I acted in ways sometimes that makes me cringe today when I look back. Remembering that always helps me to keep my emotions in check and refrain from judgment.
Also, I’d just like to mention that remaining empathetic and non-judgmental helps your kids feel more comfortable coming to you for help in the future. And, I don’t know about you, but I’d rather have my kids come to me for help than have them turn to their peers who might not have good solutions to their problems.
Reflect Back What You’ve Heard: This helps the person feel heard and understood. And here is the wild part, you don’t even have to vary or paraphrase their words when reflecting back to them. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve simply parroted the exact same words back to somebody that they just said to me and they then reply with, “Yes! You get it!” This encourages them to open up even more with you.
To reflect back what you’ve heard, either repeat an important statement back to them you just heard them say or paraphrase that statement in your own words, just try not to change the meaning of what they’re trying to convey.
Affirm or Validate Their Experience: Even if you don’t agree… Here’s the thing, two people can walk away from the same situation having a completely different experience. This is because we all have had very different life experiences and our life experiences are the lens with which we view and interpret the situations we encounter. Keep in mind that your kids have had a lot fewer life experiences than you and will naturally perceive things very differently. And everyone’s perception IS THEIR REALITY.
I wrote a previous blog post titled: The Power of Validation: How to Transform Your Relationship Using One Simple Tool, if you’re interested in learning more about this topic.
Summarize What You’ve Heard: Either at the end of the conversation or throughout (if it’s a long conversation), summarize what you have heard the other person say about their experience, thoughts and feelings. Doing this helps you check for your own understanding. By summarizing what you’ve heard, you’re giving the other person the opportunity to confirm or deny whether you’ve actually heard and understood them correctly.
Ask for Permission Prior to Giving Advice: I’m not saying you shouldn’t give them advice here. Kids are learning. They learn from their mistakes and they need to learn from the advice of parents, teachers, mentors, and other trusted adults. However, before you get on your soapbox and start telling them what they should or shouldn’t do, ask, “Can I share my perspective?”
Giving them the opportunity to reply “yes” to that question does a couple of things. First, it lets you know that they’re receptive to hearing you out. If they’re not, trust that they won’t take your advice and you’ll just be wasting your breath. Second, it gives them some sense of perceived control. Keep in mind that one of the frustrating things for kids, especially teenagers, is that they have very little control over their own lives and environment. Again, I’m going to ask you to exercise some empathy here and remember what that was like for you growing up with someone else making a lot of your decisions about your life. Asking for permission is a sign of respect for their growing autonomy as an individual and will go a long way in them wanting to show you a mutual respect.
Critical Thinking Skills: These are not MI skills but I feel they are important to include in this skillset list. Critical thinking skills allow us to identify important reasons why we should or should not do something. They help us to anticipate potential consequences of our actions. As a parent conversing with your child, this is the part of the conversation where you discuss “The Why” (as I call it). This not only helps your kid understand why you do or don’t want them to do something, it helps them make more informed choices because they learn about the potential consequences or benefits upfront. The parents who simply say, “Because I said so,” I’m looking at you!!!
You see, children and teenagers don’t have their prefrontal cortex fully developed yet (the part of our brain that helps us tap into our logic, understand cause and effect, and make good decisions). In fact, that part of our brain isn’t fully developed until the age of 25. As a result, they need help developing critical thinking skills. One way to help them do this is to have a conversation about the costs and benefits of a decision, focusing primarily on the unintended personal or natural consequences, not just on the consequences that we as parents can impose. I’d also encourage you to talk to them about the benefits of making a good decision, as people generally respond better to positive consequences (rewards) versus negative consequences.
While working for the Department of Corrections, I encountered many people who were not taught these skills and still hadn’t developed them as adults. It was my job to help them develop these skills to make better decisions and positively impact recidivism. These skills don’t just magically develop when we turn 25. It is our job as parents to help our kids develop them…but we first have to master recognizing and explaining cause and effect ourselves in order to do so.
I’ve actually told my step-daughter before, several times in fact, “If someone is telling you to do something that you don’t agree with and you don’t understand why they’re instructing you to do this, ask! By all means, question authority! Get a second opinion from a trusted adult before following those instructions. Anyone who is asking you to do something you don’t feel comfortable with should be able to provide a logical reason as to why they are asking.” Now, I understand this may seem a little radical to some and I assure you I’m not trying to raise anarchists; however, I felt this was important to help her develop her critical thinking skills and/or avoid possibly becoming victimized by a predatory adult some day.
I have one more benefit of helping your child develop critical thinking skills to discuss. Focusing on natural consequences versus solely on the consequences that parents can impose helps to prevent a power struggle. In my experience, once you enter a power struggle, you’ve already lost. Especially if you have a strong willed child who is willing to cling to an argument, just to be the winner. It damages respect, trust and rapport.
A lot of people, when they learn that I used to be a Probation and Parole Agent, tell me, “Man, I feel sorry for your kids.” They assume that I must take a very authoritarian approach. That couldn’t be further from the truth, actually. You see, I learned in my time as an Agent that approach does not actually work with everyone. You can have the power to impose restrictions, throw them in jail, or send them back to prison for non-compliance, but exercising that power doesn’t really affect any lasting change. And if the authoritarian approach does work, it is only because they are afraid of you (not something you want your kids to feel).
If you want to see true behavior change, you have to focus on building rapport, trust, and mutual respect, in order to collaborate and have productive conversations about the natural consequences of behavior. Because, remember, the natural consequences of someone’s behavior is what motivates them to change, especially when you help them to see the benefits they will experience by making the change. All of the skills I broke down in this section, help with that rapport, trust and mutual respect building process.
Why It’s Important to Master These Skills
It’s time for “The Why!” Let’s talk a little more about why your kids (and you) benefit from you mastering these skills.
Builds Trust: Open and honest communication helps create a sense of trust between you and your child. They feel safe sharing their thoughts, feelings, and concerns with you.
Strengthens Relationships: Effective communication fosters a strong, positive bond with your child. It allows you to understand each other better and strengthens your relationship.
Promotes Emotional Well-being: When children know they can talk to you about anything, it helps them navigate their emotions and reduce anxiety. They feel supported in expressing their feelings.
Teaches Conflict Resolution: Good communication helps children learn how to resolve disagreements respectfully and peacefully, both with family members and peers.
Improves Academic Performance: When parents communicate effectively with their kids, it often leads to a better understanding of academic expectations and encourages children to stay engaged in their education.
Encourages Positive Behavior: Clear communication helps set expectations and boundaries, reducing confusion about what’s acceptable behavior. Children are more likely to follow rules when they understand the reasoning behind them.
Enhances Problem-Solving Skills: Engaging in open dialogue with your child helps them think critically and work through problems by discussing different perspectives and solutions.
Fosters Self-confidence: When kids feel heard, they develop self-confidence and are more likely to voice their opinions and take on new challenges.
Helps Prevent Misunderstandings: Clear communication minimizes the chance of misunderstandings that could lead to unnecessary conflict or frustration between you and your child.
Sets an Example: Kids learn how to communicate by observing adults. By practicing good communication with them, you model healthy, effective ways to engage with others.
Tips for Facilitating a Successful Conversation
Good conversations don’t happen by accident, they happen on purpose (when you’re prepared). Here are my recommendations for ways to ensure a successful conversation.
Don’t try to have a conversation when you’re feeling upset. Every conversation I’ve tried to have while I’m still feeling upset has not gone as planned. Take time to yourself to process your emotions so that you can have a calm conversation. This way, you’ll be able to choose your words more wisely and they will also remain calm, because you’re calm. Also, make sure they’re calm as well and ready to have a conversation before you start. In fact, ask permission first, “I’d like to speak to you about _____, is this a good time?” This is important because people feed off of one another’s energy so if one of you is in a foul mood, it’ll trigger a similar mood in the other and you’ll just end up escalating one another.
Last week I posted a blog post on working through emotional triggers and discussed the crucial role shadow work has had for me in working through my triggers, in order to live a more peaceful and joy filled life. The things I talk about in this blog post can and should be considered when processing and managing your emotions while preparing for a difficult conversation with your kids. If you haven’t yet read this post, it’s called: Mastering Emotional Resilience: How to Break the Cycle of Emotional Triggers and Find Peace and I highly recommend you check it out.
Practice what you want to say. I can’t tell you how many hours I’ve spent talking to myself, to practice having a conversation. Part of me does this to commit what I need to say to memory so I don’t forget anything but another part of me wants to take some time to consider how they might react to what I have to say. Doing this helps me to tailor my message so that it’s well received.
You want to use empathy (again) when considering what you should say. Put yourself in their shoes and think about the way you acted when you were their age. I know that even I, as a good kid, acted in ways I am not proud of. Consider how they may perceive each thing you say and omit or rephrase anything that might be perceived as hurtful to make it more palatable, while still getting the point across.
Understand that there is a divide. I’m talking about an “us versus them” mentality. Even if you don’t intend for there to be one and work really hard to make your child feel like they can talk to you about anything, they recognize the power differential in the parent-child relationship and have at least some fears of punishments or negative consequences if they’re fully honest about their behavior.
As I look back on some of the tv shows I used to watch as a teenager and that my step-daughter has started to watch, some of them illustrate this divide pretty clearly. There is usually a problem, typically a social problem, and the actors in the show lean into their friends instead of a parent or other trusted adult to help them solve their problem. In fact, there are some tv series from the 90s or early 2000s who remove parents from the equation completely, such as iCarly. In other shows where there are parental figures, there is sometimes this underlying message, “Don’t trust your parents to help you solve this – they wouldn’t understand.” They illustrate this by having the kids in the show awkwardly skirt around questions from parents before resuming planning conversations with their friends on how to best manage the situation.
Along these lines, I heard someone say once (I’d love to give them credit but I can’t remember who or where I heard it) that the teenage endocrine system is designed to make teenagers believe that their parents are stupid. This is an evolutionary trait that is meant to motivate teenagers to leave home when they reach adulthood and reproduce. I don’t know whether that’s actually true but it certainly made me laugh and kind of explains the way hormones impact their mood and thinking in their teenage years.
Resources
I threw a lot at you in this blog post. That’s because communication is a complex skill, made up of a lot of smaller skills. We all know how to talk but we don’t all know how to effectively communicate!
I will also say that there are many people who did not have the luxury of having great role models for communicators while growing up to learn these skills as a child. I was actually one of those people. I grew up in a household that communicated passive aggressively when someone was upset and was sometimes invalidating, and I’ve had to learn how to better communicate as an adult. And let me tell you, when you don’t learn these skills as a child and have to learn them as an adult (once bad habits are already formed) it is hard to refrain from slipping back into old communication styles. If this is you, give yourself some grace!
Coaching
If you’ve read this post and would like some additional guidance on how to develop these skills, or if there is a specific conversation you need to have with a loved one and you’d like guidance on it, let’s connect!
I offer single or packs of 1:1 sessions where I can help you navigate a challenging conversation or help you practice these skills to master them. Check out the Work With Me section of my website to get an idea of my pricing and learn a little more about who I am as a Coach.
Related Blog Post
If one of your thoughts while reading this post was, “I struggle to keep my cool during difficult conversations,” check out the recent blog post titled, Mastering Emotional Resilience: How to Break the Cycle of Emotional Triggers and Find Peace. It may provide you with some insight on how to work through this challenge.
eBook
For me personally, shadow work has been instrumental in helping me develop the self-awareness and emotional regulation skills in order to be able to communicate better with the people I love. I spent a lot of time learning how to do shadow work and have taken everything I’ve learned and put it into an eBook I’ve created called: Journey Within: A Guide to Strengthening the Connection to Yourself and Others.
This eBook is a complete guide to doing shadow work, including laying out the pre-work that is needed to set you up for success prior to even beginning shadow work. If you’re curious about what this pre-work entails and why it’s so important, check out my blog post titled: The Importance of Preparing for Shadow Work: 5 Essential Steps to Take Before Starting Shadow Work.
Also, if the concept of shadow work is foreign to you and you’d like to learn more about what that is, check out my post titled: How I Did “The Work” to Feel More Connected to Myself and Improve My Relationships.
A little more about this eBook…I designed the Journey Within eBook to help you improve your relationships with others, starting with the most important (yourself). It helps you to break that stress/burnout/shut down cycle, increase your self-awareness with shadow work exercises, cope in a healthy way, and reconnect to and ground yourself, thereby improving your ability to connect with others and, as a result, improve your relationships. This eBook:
- Educates you on what coping with stress in a healthy way entails
- Teaches you strategies to cope with and react to stress in a healthy way, preventing it from carrying over into your relationships
- Helps you to implement healthy coping strategies which reduce anxiety, frustration and burnout, so that you can show up as the best version of yourself in your relationships
- Guides you in personal exploration of conscious and subconscious beliefs which hold you back in your personal, professional and romantic life.
- Helps you to increase self-awareness of your behaviors that are negatively impacting your relationships
- Guides you in identifying characteristics or aspects of yourself (your shadow self) that you feel don’t align with your identity. Then, it helps you to embrace and more appropriately integrate them into your life so they no longer impact your relationships
- Helps you to identify emotional patterns which can affect your relationships, their root causes, and then heal them to move forward
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I create content about important skills which impact the health and quality of relationships, including self-care, healthy coping, communication, mindfulness, meditation, and shadow work. Follow me on these social platforms for more content:
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